I was talking with my dad last week about his mother. My grandmother has always been this larger-than-life figure in my life. She died when I was two, but I've always felt a very strong connection to her. From everything I know of her, we are shockingly similar people. I didn't realize exactly how similar until this conversation.
Here are some things I've always known about her:
She was sure enough of what she wanted (or didn't want) that she divorced her first husband and started her own business when she was 19 (and eventually found the kind of love you only read about or see in movies with my grandfather). She was a professional photographer and painter. Every word I've ever heard spoken about her was kind. This woman was generous and she was loved.
I think we all need heroes, and in a lot of ways, she's been that for me. She has been an important example of someone who was determined and strong enough to do things she believed in...even if it wasn't what others expected from her. She had real guts. She took real risks. She didn't let fear stop her from attempting anything. I've told myself countless times that if she could do it, I have the ability too. I have also wished countless times that she were still around, because think she would understand me in a way I don't always feel understood.
Here is what I learned last week:
My dad explained that they had always set her firmly on a pedestal, and only told us the good things. He admitted that maybe that was a mistake, because maybe that gave me unrealistic expectations of life. He wasn't sure I understood that she had very real human flaws. He's mentioned this several times, but hasn't really expanded on what exactly he means by that until last week. I asked him to tell me the truth...to make her more real. As he started listing things, I began to feel a heat radiating in my body. It was as if I was listening to a description of all of the things I don't particularly like about myself....and I guess, in a way, I was. I kept thinking, "Oh. my. gosh. I do that. I totally do that and I never understood where that came from." I felt both relieved and terrified. It is amazing how ingrained behavior or character or personality can be...how that can be passed down through generations. These traits of hers were ones I had never heard before, but were so very familiar.
What do I think now? I'm still so proud of her. I still think she was an amazing, beautiful, talented woman. I'm grateful though to now know some more about her, because through that I'm learning more about myself. I think only through understanding, can we truly heal. I wouldn't have understood her flaws (or understood myself enough to see the parallels) when I was a child.
What now? Ok, so now that I know all of this, what do I do about it?
One of the things he said about her was that when life got difficult, she would ignore the daily tasks that need to happen for daily life to run smoothly....like opening the mail. I haven't opened my mail in so long it is embarrassing. I can totally trick myself into not even seeing it on the counter or on the floorboard of my car. I completely ignore that it is even there. That scares me. I used to be very orderly and responsible, and I have been so confused in the last few years about why that has changed. I just got so tired, I think, of bill after bill after bill arriving. Opening them seemed pointless, because I wasn't able to pay any of them.
Anyhow, today I opened every piece of mail in my house and my car. I'm determined to keep the good parts of my grandmother's spirit that I've inherited and keep the negative parts in check. Everyone has flaws. We all have the things we do or think that we'd rather not admit. I want to break some of the negative family patterns starting with this one, and hold myself accountable for the unhealthy patterns I create. This is one I can work on today, and it feels amazing.
