Lucy (foster dog) ran out the door this morning and went running off after chickens (and anything else that moved in the yard). At one point, I went to the car to get some dog treats to try to lure her back in the house. Then I closed the trunk of my station wagon on my head. My head! Ugh. I felt something warm flowing down over my right eye. Immediately I knew I had really hurt myself, even though it didn't hurt that much. After I stood up, I pulled my hand away from my head and there was blood everywhere. I sat down in the middle of the driveway and bawled. It was the type of cry that comes from somewhere very deep and very hurt....the type of cry that almost has nothing to do with what just happened. I walked over to the front porch, held a towel to my head, and cried more.
Throughout this whole divorce process and my recent string of pretty bad luck, I have refused to feel sorry for myself. I think part of that is good, and I think part of that means I'm restricting myself from feeling other certain important emotions that might accompany feeling sorry for oneself. Why did it take a serious blow to the head and a lot of blood for me to allow myself that emotional release? That's pretty extreme. No bueno. I think I'm doing a good job of handling what life is throwing at me right now, but I am also beginning to see that there are things I need to look closer at and figure out how to address better than I have been.
Here is another example that does not involve a head wound....last week, a friend made a crack about my divorce...not meaning at all to hurt my feelings. What he said shouldn't have really been all that offensive, and he totally didn't realize I wouldn't find it funny. I walked away from him and refused to talk to him. I sent him an angry text message a few minutes later about how my divorce would never be funny and wasn't material for his amusement. I overreacted. I was awful to him. I was irrational. What he said wasn't even that bad, it just hit a nerve, clearly a very raw nerve, but it showed me something important. He showed me that I wasn't as okay with everything as I thought. I was seriously misdirecting some anger....which made me realize....I am angry about this. Sometimes I just want to stomp my feet and throw something. This isn't an easy thing to go through. I'm now giving myself permission to occasionally fall apart over it. I'm not giving myself permission to be mean to anyone again...luckily, my friend was very forgiving when I called the next day to apologize. Ack. Learning, learning. That's all I can promise myself right now....to learn from the good and the bad moments & to stay honest with myself through it all.
I never caught Lucy. I hope she's waiting for me on the porch when I get home from work later. I also hope my head stops throbbing.
