For the past two years, I have felt like I have been standing at the edge of an old stone well, with a bucket the end of the rope. As time went on, the bucket kept filling up with something very very heavy that I couldn't lift. Sometimes, when I had the energy, I would strain with all my might to pull it back up. Sometimes, when I didn't have the energy, I would just brace myself and make sure I didn't let it slip any further. I was sure if I could just somehow lift it out, everything would be fine. I was resisting. I was refusing to just let go out of fear, I guess. What would happen then? What if I needed what was in that bucket? What I am beginning to see is that I spent so much time looking down into that well that I forgot to look up and around & notice that this well is located in the middle of a lake! I will be just fine if I let go. I won't run out of water. I don't need to stand there anymore. I don't need a bucket or a rope to survive. I just thought I did. The bucket doesn't contain water anyway and you can't drink lead. Silly me.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
My morning revelation about codependency...
For the past two years, I have felt like I have been standing at the edge of an old stone well, with a bucket the end of the rope. As time went on, the bucket kept filling up with something very very heavy that I couldn't lift. Sometimes, when I had the energy, I would strain with all my might to pull it back up. Sometimes, when I didn't have the energy, I would just brace myself and make sure I didn't let it slip any further. I was sure if I could just somehow lift it out, everything would be fine. I was resisting. I was refusing to just let go out of fear, I guess. What would happen then? What if I needed what was in that bucket? What I am beginning to see is that I spent so much time looking down into that well that I forgot to look up and around & notice that this well is located in the middle of a lake! I will be just fine if I let go. I won't run out of water. I don't need to stand there anymore. I don't need a bucket or a rope to survive. I just thought I did. The bucket doesn't contain water anyway and you can't drink lead. Silly me.
Thai restaurant. Manhattan. Breakfast. 2006.
This photo makes me think of perception. I took this image of a man (Khristoph) who was sitting on the other side of the table from me. In his spoon he was upside down to himself, but right side up from where I sat. It makes me think of how we would sometimes rather find something that reflects, but distorts reality in a way that we want/makes us more comfortable....not the way it actually is. How sometimes we'd rather look at the reflection of a person than the actual truth of a person. Something about being with my grandparents makes me feel safe, happy and like I can do anything. I was driving back to Nashville, feeling optimistic. Those happy thoughts were aimlessly flying around in the car, looking for something to land on....until they all simultaneously latched onto my relationship. GASP!All of a sudden, I felt like, "I can fight for this again. I can fix this. Life is too short. We just have to do this and this and that and then everything will be great." I found myself immediately back in that old, unhealthy and untrue thought cycle of trying to control and fix. I saw what I was doing, but I didn't care. Last night, I just wanted to believe that I could make this miracle happen. I wanted so badly to force the whole damn thing onto the face of a little silver spoon and make it look right side up to me again. I was looking at the situation, not as it actually is, not taking into account anything that has actually happened, but as the stubborn image of the way I sometimes think I want it to be. I wasn't even really taking into account the other person....it was more the idea of a relationship I wanted to fight for. I would have tried to save the world last night, but details transpired in a very interesting way to make it so I just went home and read a book. Sometimes the universe lets us make mistakes. Sometimes it loves us too much to allow it.
(For the record, that was not the case with this photo though....Khristoph rocks.)
My horoscope for 7/29:
Look for a financial increase then try to relax a little. Maintain the status quo but put off pushing anything new just yet. Differences today can be overcome. Just remember the "M" word (moderation) in celebrating a victory.
Got a message last night that I had a paycheck ready to pick up. Read my horoscope this morning. I thought the check was for a smaller job I did about a month ago, but when I stopped by the office on my way out of town this morning, I found out it was for a much bigger music video job I did a few weeks ago. I wasn't expecting to get paid for another few weeks! That definitely decreased my stress level and means that I can stop obsessing over how I am going to cover the mortgage for August. That part of the horoscope was right on.
I spent the day eating squash casserole, so maybe that counts as putting off pushing anything new? We celebrated a birthday, which I guess is a kind of victory? Ok, I'm reaching now. Time for bed.
Birthday Milkshakes
Today I drove up to Owensboro and spent the day with my grandparents for my grandfather's 85th birthday. As soon as I pulled into the driveway, my grandfather ran outside to see my new (well, new to me) car and show me his tomato plants. I just love this man. I told him I would take him anywhere he wanted for his birthday lunch. His request was a spicy chicken sandwich and a vanilla milkshake. Then I helped them pack for their trip to D.C. They leave in the morning with my mom, uncle & aunt on a birthday quest to take him to see the WWII memorial there. We figured up at dinner that it has been about 45 years since just the five of them have taken a road trip together! So glad I got to spend today with them.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)