My morning revelation about codependency...

For the past two years, I have felt like I have been standing at the edge of an old stone well, with a bucket the end of the rope. As time went on, the bucket kept filling up with something very very heavy that I couldn't lift. Sometimes, when I had the energy, I would strain with all my might to pull it back up. Sometimes, when I didn't have the energy, I would just brace myself and make sure I didn't let it slip any further. I was sure if I could just somehow lift it out, everything would be fine. I was resisting. I was refusing to just let go out of fear, I guess. What would happen then? What if I needed what was in that bucket? What I am beginning to see is that I spent so much time looking down into that well that I forgot to look up and around & notice that this well is located in the middle of a lake! I will be just fine if I let go. I won't run out of water. I don't need to stand there anymore. I don't need a bucket or a rope to survive. I just thought I did. The bucket doesn't contain water anyway and you can't drink lead. Silly me.

Book Report

So, I've made it through about 1/3rd of this Codependency No More book. I have felt such a wide range of emotions while reading this book...from understood and supported to ashamed and confused. I consider myself a very independent person, so it has been difficult to admit that I have been a codependent person in my marriage the last few years. Chapter four is about codependent characteristics. At first, the list of characteristics seemed to make sense. By page 6 of this chapter, I felt like the list was absurd. You are codependent if you a) have a face b) pee at least once a day c) breathe through your nose d) were born on planet Earth. Those weren't really on the list, but it felt like if a person was being truly honest with themselves, every single person would identify with many of the characteristics on the list, because some of them seem fairly universal. Does this mean we are all codependent to varying degrees?

Mas Tacos y No Mas Codependency

Sold my scooter yesterday to a really nice guy who really needs it in the ways I really needed it when I bought it. I hadn't been on it in over a month, I think. I had forgotten how much fun that thing is to drive. We're going to meet this afternoon to exchange money and the scooter, so I got to ride it around all day yesterday. I rode downtown to my P.O. Box to pick up a book my mom mailed me, and then went to Mas Tacos for lunch. Teresa is one of my favorite small business owners in Nashville. I love love her taco truck, but I really love going to her brick & mortar spot, because it feels like a little slice of Tucson to me.

I ordered two quinoa tacos (they have red cabbage on them & are so dang tasty...and much healthier than regular tacos), and sat down to start reading. The book is called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Yes, I was riding around on my scooter, eating tacos and reading a self help book. Oy....maybe this is my mid-life crisis arriving a bit early? My mom heard about this book from her hairdresser. She told my mom that this book had changed her life, and I had to read it. I really like the epigraph for the book, so that was a good start....

"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."

-Agnes Repplier

I knew I probably needed to be reading this book when, only three pages into the introduction, I wanted to throw the thing across the taco shack and never pick it up again. It is written by a woman who is a recovering alcoholic, and she initially has some very harsh things to say about the partners/codependents. I thought, "What the hell does this lady know? This book is crap!" I made myself keep reading. Then she explains that after being sober for a long time, she somehow ended up in the codependent role and realized how unfair her previous judgements were. I finished reading the introduction and scootered myself over to a yoga class. I can already tell there are going to be parts of this book that really challenge me to acknowledge some things about myself that I don't like, but I'm okay with that. I'm open to that, because I am ready to heal and change and move forward with my life. I don't want to recreate a situation over again in the future, simply because it was too painful or I was afraid to look at the previous one and really understand it.