“Keep walking, though there's no place to get to.
Don't try to see through the distances.
That's not for human beings. Move within,
But don't move the way fear makes you move.”
― Rumi

(Image by Mark Tucker 9.21.11)

“The ground's generosity takes in our compost and grows beauty! Try to be more like the ground.”
― Rumi

Was just about to walk out the door to head to the market and noticed the dogs had something and were acting funny about it. A few nights ago, I set a book out to send to a friend. Guess which one? Yep. My dogs ate my copy of Codependent No More. Haha. Can't decide if that is a right of passage or a sign that I need to get another copy and re-read it.

My team of superheroes...

Last night I babysat for seven kids. SEVEN. Alone. Here is a photo of them all dressed as princesses and knights. The baby wouldn't let me put her down for the photo, so only six are pictured. All seven survived & most importantly, I didn't get tied to a chair. Not even once!

Miss M & Mister J's Lesson from Last Week:

I knew it would happen eventually....that Mister J & Miss M would ask where Jonathan was. They loved both of us, and they haven't seen Jonathan in a very long time. I guess I was just hoping they would never notice his absence, but the day after my birthday I was babysitting them and Mister J brought it up. He asked where my wedding ring was and Miss M started touching my hand where my wedding ring should be and looking up at me with sincere interest. Gulp. I had to pause to think about how to answer this for a four and seven year-old, and how their parents might want me to answer. Miss M said, "Miss Jennifer, were you married or not?" Deep breath. I told them that yes, I was married and that it didn't work out and Jonathan and I don't live together anymore and we weren't going to be married anymore. Miss M said, "So you gave up?"

Almost crying at this point...there is something so honest and real about having conversations with these two. "No, I didn't give up."

Miss M: Mister Jonathan gave up?

Me: Yes.

Mister J said to Miss M, "We don't talk about giving up on people."

Miss M looked at the ground and whispered, "I know."

Me: Why not? (I had to see where this was going.)

Mister J: Because giving up on someone means you are not going to be friends with them and are not talking to them. You are separating from them. Giving up on the people you love is not right.

How did these kids get to be so smart? (Sigh.)

If it was ever possible for a bookcase to have a sense of humor...

My mom just reminded me of something hilarious that happened a few weeks ago. I kept meaning to post about it, but forgot.

So, I've been doing some serious decluttering around my house. I've spent the past few months getting rid of anything I don't absolutely love.....clothes, furniture, extra chicken coops, worn out sofas, etc. Partly because it just needs to be done and partly to get a little extra cash flow. Anyhow, when we moved into this house, there was a pretty antique barrister bookcase that the previous owners left for us. After selling a bunch of books I know I'll never open again to the used bookstore, I found that I had consolidated my books into the three bookcases I love more than that one. I put it on Craigslist and a woman responded right away. She sent me a seriously low-ball offer and some story about how her son really needed it for his school books and that her offer was all they could afford. I agreed. She showed up in a super-fancy and ridiculously large SUV, wearing very nice clothes. All she could afford? Whatever, that is beside the point.

Anyhow, she walked up on the porch to see the bookcase. Just then Lady (a 15-20 lb puppy) pushed the door open and came running out of the house. The woman was clearly afraid of dogs and immediately said she would pass on the bookcase and started walking back to her car. Lady started playfully running along side her. I began yelling, "Lady, Lady, get back here! Come here Lady!" The woman took off in a full sprint to her car and drove away so fast she left a big cloud of dust in the driveway. I was so confused and a little hurt. I had rearranged my schedule so this woman could come and pick up this nice antique bookcase for 1/10th of what it was worth. What had gone wrong? A day later it hit me. She had no idea my dog's name was Lady. No wonder she was terrified. Haha. When I told my mom this story, we both laughed so hard we couldn't breathe.

I ended up selling the bookcase for my asking price to a man in Franklin, so I'm kind of glad Lady foiled the first sale. The man who bought it called a few minutes after he bought it to apologize to me, because he noticed the zipper on his pants had been unzipped while we were talking. (I hadn't noticed.) That bookcase had some awkward encounter curse. Or something. (Pictured above.)

Sometimes life is just plain funny.

(photo of me on 9.21.11 by Mark Tucker)

To say the week of my birthday was wonderful and inspiring would be a very true statement. To say the week of my birthday was one of the hardest weeks of my life would also be a very true statement. I think something shifted...not with the numbers 3 and 0 necessarily, but in the whole process of my relationship (or lack thereof). I think my birthday felt a lot like the anniversary last month....except I expected the anniversary to sting more than it did. The anticipation of the anniversary was what made me sad. The actual anniversary was surprisingly bearable. I didn't necessarily expect anything or anticipate any emotion for my birthday, so I felt a bit blindsided when it happened. In my defense, there was some new and very hurtful information that came to my attention in a very unexpected way. I think my difficulty this week was partly processing what that meant, and partly just a sinking in or a realization of what has actually happened this year. Day-to-day, I can be so zoomed in on life and present that I almost don't even notice, but when I zoom out to look at the timeline of this past year and see the past six months as a whole entity, I almost want to puke.

I've promised to be honest and truthful. Last week I felt so loved and celebrated and cared for....and I also felt very very sad....like I-don't-want-to-get-out-of-bed sad. That's just not the normal me. I guess I say all of this, because this process has to be human and transparent. I get emails and comments from people who read the blog all the time. Some are so sorry for me, as if this whole process has been awful. It hasn't and that pity makes me uncomfortable. It has been such an inspiring and hopeful transformation in a lot of ways, and I really want that to come across. Then I get emails and comments from people saying they are so inspired by how strong and positive I have been. I definitely think I'm able to pull the positive to the forefront the majority of the time, but I also have some not-so-inspiring moments of anger and sadness. I guess I just want to be really clear that it is both, and I'm okay with that. If it were either of the extremes, I'd probably be very concerned about myself. This process shouldn't be all happy. It also shouldn't be all devastation. I think I felt like I couldn't post on here last week, because I set unrealistic expectations of myself and it took me a while to sort those out. I felt like I was supposed to be all glowing and empowered and thirty. I felt like I would be disappointing if I admitted, "I really feel like crawling into bed for a week. I just feel lonely and sad."

Anyhow, it was suggested to me a few nights ago to document the twelve weeks after thirty for this blog as a compromise...to still keep it a temporary project, but also not end it so abruptly...to give the perspective of three months on each side. I kind of like that idea. For now, I'm still trying to catch up on the birthday updates, since I fell behind last week. Heading over to my friend Alan's house for lunch and to see more photos he took at the party last Friday.