“Give up to grace. The ocean takes care of each wave 'til it gets to shore. You need more help than you know.”

-Rumi

I can't decide if I find this comforting or depressing. Haha. Either way, it is beautiful.

Oy, Mi Cabeza...

Lucy (foster dog) ran out the door this morning and went running off after chickens (and anything else that moved in the yard). At one point, I went to the car to get some dog treats to try to lure her back in the house. Then I closed the trunk of my station wagon on my head. My head! Ugh. I felt something warm flowing down over my right eye. Immediately I knew I had really hurt myself, even though it didn't hurt that much. After I stood up, I pulled my hand away from my head and there was blood everywhere. I sat down in the middle of the driveway and bawled. It was the type of cry that comes from somewhere very deep and very hurt....the type of cry that almost has nothing to do with what just happened. I walked over to the front porch, held a towel to my head, and cried more.

Throughout this whole divorce process and my recent string of pretty bad luck, I have refused to feel sorry for myself. I think part of that is good, and I think part of that means I'm restricting myself from feeling other certain important emotions that might accompany feeling sorry for oneself. Why did it take a serious blow to the head and a lot of blood for me to allow myself that emotional release? That's pretty extreme. No bueno. I think I'm doing a good job of handling what life is throwing at me right now, but I am also beginning to see that there are things I need to look closer at and figure out how to address better than I have been.

Here is another example that does not involve a head wound....last week, a friend made a crack about my divorce...not meaning at all to hurt my feelings. What he said shouldn't have really been all that offensive, and he totally didn't realize I wouldn't find it funny. I walked away from him and refused to talk to him. I sent him an angry text message a few minutes later about how my divorce would never be funny and wasn't material for his amusement. I overreacted. I was awful to him. I was irrational. What he said wasn't even that bad, it just hit a nerve, clearly a very raw nerve, but it showed me something important. He showed me that I wasn't as okay with everything as I thought. I was seriously misdirecting some anger....which made me realize....I am angry about this. Sometimes I just want to stomp my feet and throw something. This isn't an easy thing to go through. I'm now giving myself permission to occasionally fall apart over it. I'm not giving myself permission to be mean to anyone again...luckily, my friend was very forgiving when I called the next day to apologize. Ack. Learning, learning. That's all I can promise myself right now....to learn from the good and the bad moments & to stay honest with myself through it all.

I never caught Lucy. I hope she's waiting for me on the porch when I get home from work later. I also hope my head stops throbbing.

Oh, today....

I woke up feeling very hopeful about today. I had a big list of things to get accomplished. Then, everything started going completely wrong....finally culminating at the very moment I took this photo. (Flat tire and no money). I felt completely distraught and overwhelmed. I took a deep breath and picked up my phone and asked for help. Help came. No, complete and total grace came. Some dear friends showed up and selflessly turned my entire day around. The most beautiful moments so often come out of the most unlikely experiences. I didn't get a single thing on my list done today, but that's quite alright.

An email and a photo from my mom today....

(Mimi was my grandmother who passed away not too long after this photo was taken.)

"This was the day that Mimi let you unwrap her expensive glasses we got her just to hear you squeal with delight each time you saw the glass. She would rewrap the glasses in tissue paper and you would repeat the process, much to her delight, over and over. I thought you would like to see a happier day that you too were like Miss M."

Speaking of Phil Levine...

So, I apparently live under a rock most of the time. I totally missed the announcement last month that one of my favorite people in the whole world is now the Poet Laureate of The United States! Phil Levine...gosh. I don't know where to begin. I was twenty-one when this photo was taken. This is at the Levine's apartment in Brooklyn. The wonderful Kate Daniels had suggested I fly there to interview him for The Vanderbilt Review. He agreed to the interview. Vanderbilt bought my plane ticket. I have no idea how all of that happened to me, but it did, and at the time, (thank goodness) I was too young and naive to really understand the true importance of any of it....otherwise I may have thrown up on his tennis shoes. I showed up at their door with flowers for Franny Levine and fresh cannolis for Phil. I had never really interviewed anyone before. We sat and talked for most of the afternoon. He was brilliant, wildly funny, very honest and humble.

I've had the chance to see Phil read several times since then, but we mostly kept in touch through written letters up until a few years ago. It is crazy that I've let so much time go by without writing. I am going to sit down and write to him this week. I'm just so happy for him. What a wild ride of a life. He grew up very poor in Detroit. He worked the night shift at the Chevrolet gear and axle factory....and now he's the Poet Laureate! Amazing & inspiring.

Love's Not Through With Me Yet

Darrell Scott and I met about eight years ago when my then-boyfriend was playing bass with him. We had an instant friendship after discovering we are both admirers/students of the poet Philip Levine. Darrell studied with Phil at Tufts University, and almost gave up songwriting to focus entirely on poetry. I'm sure glad he took the songwriting path, because his songs have saved me more than once....today included. A friend posted this song of his this afternoon on Facebook. Not the clearest audio, so I posted the lyrics below.

Oh, I have seen the young girls cry
Thinking love has passed them by
They’re struggling with a heavy load
But if love’s not here, it’s down the road

And I have seen the young men run
Just like their father’s father’s son
They take the love and leave the shame
Oh, but one day love will call their name and say

Can you love without needing
Lift it up as a silent prayer
Can you open your heart without bleeding
Take that open heart everywhere
Can you hold a place within your breast
For someone you’ve never met
Well then, love’s not through with you yet

Well, I have climbed to lover’s lane
I felt the joy, I felt the pain
Asking for another’s soul
Thinking they could make me whole

Now I heard a voice from deep inside
Saying you’re not blamed for love you tried
Oh, you may think that love takes two
But love’s a gift from you to you

Can you love without needing
Lift it up as a silent prayer
Can you open your heart without bleeding
Take that open heart everywhere
And I have tried without ceasing
To give love without regret
I know love’s not through with me yet

Can you hold a place within your breast
For someone you’ve never met
Then love’s not through with you
I said love’s not through with me
I know love’s not through with us yet

Two Wolves

A Cherokee elder was teaching his children about life. He said to them, "A terrible fight is going on inside me. It is a fight between two wolves. One is the wolf of joy, love, hope, kindness and compassion. The other is the wolf of fear, anger, cynicism, indifference and greed. The same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too." The children thought about it for a moment, and then one child asked, "Which wolf will win?" The elder replied, "Whichever one you feed."

(traditional Cherokee legend)