Twelve Weeks to 30.

Less than twelve weeks, to be exact. I turn 30 in 83 days. On my 29th birthday, I made a promise to myself to feel better than I've ever felt on my 30th birthday (physically, spiritually, emotionally). That promise was made not out of fear of entering my 30s, but more out of excitement to be starting a new chapter, prepared and energized. The last three years of my 20s have been beyond challenging. I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned, but ready to move forward.

My initial reaction is that I've already broken that promise to myself from a year ago. I'm in the middle of getting divorced, I'm completely broke, I am overweight, I feel like I'm constantly struggling. When I type it out like that, it sounds flat out depressing, but I'm not depressed. Somehow, I have always managed to maintain a positive attitude about life....especially my own life. I was born an optimist, and I plan to stay one. It is a hell of a lot more fun than the alternative.

I've decided today that maybe I haven't broken that promise to myself as much as I thought, but rather I have been keeping it in less visible ways I am not fully aware of yet. And there is still time! I still have 83 days to get to feeling my best. As I move out of this unhealthy relationship, I am waking up and realizing that alone might be the biggest gift I've given myself in the past year, and the biggest part of keeping that promise.

I've never regularly weighed myself, except for visits to the doctor's office. I have never been concerned with that number, but I know I'm overweight. I can feel I am past a healthy point. I have never even owned a scale, so last year I bought a cute little vintage scale at Goodwill for $5. It has been sitting underneath laundry near the washer and dryer since. Today I dusted it off.

Here is the moment where I start getting really honest with myself (and whoever might be reading this) and stop living in denial. Deep breath. 140 lbs on the nose. I googled "healthy weight for a 5'1 (and a half inch!)" woman. 115-129lbs for a "medium frame." I think I'm a medium frame? The Weight Watchers website says the ideal weight for my height is 105. (Cue panic attack.)

I don't like the idea of basing everything off of a number. I was a consistent 101 lbs throughout high school, but I ate junk all the time. I would have eating contests with the football and hockey players and win! I was tiny, and apparently had the metabolism of a hummingbird, but that doesn't mean I was healthy or in good shape. About four years ago I was at my healthiest/most physically fit point in my life. I was walking for about two hours a day as just a part of my daily routine (walking dogs, walking to/from teaching, walking to dinner with friends, etc), doing yoga three to four times a week, and eating well. I have no idea what I weighed then, but I am guessing I weighed around 115-120. I was all lean muscle and I felt great.

That means I am now 20-25 lbs heavier than I was then. That might not sound like an insane difference, but when you're as short as I am, that is significant. The strange thing about my weight gain is that it has more to do with stress than food. I eat healthier than most people I know, but I have also been under more stress over the past few years than most people I know. I think I have used both of those as excuses to not DO something about it.

Over the next 83 days, I'm going to focus on eating healthier, going to yoga 4 times a week (thanks to a very generous package of yoga classes my Mom gave me for Christmas last year), being more strict about my meditation/spiritual practices, reading and writing more poetry, working on tackling some of my financial debt. Basically I'm going to attempt with all of my might to transform into the healthiest, happiest, most fulfilled version of myself so far. I am going to fill this blog space with honest thoughts I'm having throughout that process. I don't pretend that I am or this blog is any different from any other "woman approaching age milestone" or "woman getting divorced and finding herself again" -kind-of-blog that any other person would write. If anyone else wants to follow this, great! If I'm the only one who ever reads it, that's okay too. This blog is about keeping myself fully accountable while I approach September 21st....and the rest of my life! I am going to fill this space with images and words that I find beautiful. I think I've let myself get to a point where I don't feel inspired by much of anything anymore...even though I know inspiration can be found in absolutely every moment. I can do this. I can do anything. I am determined to not let myself down or break my promise to myself. Watch out, 30, here I come!

Love,

Jen

(Image above is a section of the Berlin Wall that is now on display at a museum outside of London. I stood in front of it in the summer of 2003. The photo I took that day has been on my fridge for years now. I often think about the person who painted it and what they must have been going through and feeling at that point in his/her life. Whoever painted it, wherever they are, I have a debt to them for inspiring me to have the courage to change when I find myself at points off course and for reminding me that we all have the power and the ability to change. I'm constantly in awe of how connected we all are.)