My Anniversary Recap...

I've had trouble writing about how I felt....not because I don't want to admit how I felt or be honest, but mostly because the way I felt surprised me, and it has taken a few days for me to process what happened. The day before my anniversary was much worse than the actual day. I found a gift card for Miel that a good friend had given us as a wedding gift, and took myself out to dinner the night before. I went home and drank wine and looked through pictures and cried. A lot. It was like a scene in a bad made-for-tv movie about a breakup. I haven't felt that sad in years, but I moved through a lot of important emotions that night that I know I needed to feel and process. I mourned the loss of my marriage, as well as the loss of a person and friend I thought I understood. I felt devastated. I felt confused. I got angry. I did not throw my wedding dress into a bonfire or anything (although that might be fun)...it was just a hard night. Finally, I was able to fall asleep around 5am. I had to get up at 8:30 for work. I was exhausted most of the anniversary day, but I was surprisingly okay. I felt like I should be more upset than I really felt. (Which makes me think of Colleen's reading in yoga class that I posted earlier). Sometimes our expectations of how we think we should feel or others think we should feel can be so different from what our honest feelings are that we almost feel guilty admitting them. Of course I was sad, but the anxiety I felt over what I might feel was much worse than my actual reaction. There were mixed emotions for sure, but the most overwhelming and obvious feeling was one of relief. I know that may sound awful, but it was how I felt.

I worked all day, and then went to see Shakespeare in the park that night. They were putting on Romeo & Juliet. I took some wine and an old quilt. My friend Samantha met me there for part of the play. There was a homeless man on a bench not far from where I sat on my blanket. I found something strangely comforting about watching that man laugh at the funny parts of the play, along with the rest of the audience. The fact that we were all gathered there to enjoy words of a love story that was written so long ago, but is still so powerful...it made me feel connected to the universal human experience. It made me feel less alone than I thought I'd feel that day. The day passed and so did the next one and the next one. I was fine. I shouldn't have been so afraid. I also shouldn't have had greasy pizza two days in a row after eating super-healthy for a while, but hey, I'm learning. That's the important thing. I'm being honest with myself and I'm learning.