Tuesday was a doozie...

My latest observation....the same person who decorates Holiday Inn hotel rooms also decorates doctor office waiting rooms. Sub-observation...their favorite colors are mauve and teal. There need to be interior decorators for doctor office waiting rooms. These spaces should feel comfortable. I'm sure hospitals regulate where furniture can come from (a time machine sent here from 1991?), but seriously. Even the lamps are terrifyingly tacky, the clinical Kleenex boxes, the artwork on the walls. Have you ever noticed the walls in a doctor's office? The walls themselves are some uncomfortable paper mache texture. Why? Maybe the psychology behind it is that if they make the room as uncomfortable and distractingly ugly as possible, you might forget about what hurts and why you're there? For me, that doesn't work. I'm usually already nervous when I arrive, and the atmosphere enhances that anxiety.

So there I was on Tuesday, nervous and mentally redecorating the waiting room when the receptionist handed me a stack of paperwork to fill out. I sat down with it and looked around. All of a sudden I noticed that every single person there had someone sitting with them, except me. I thought to myself, "This isn't the type of place you're supposed to go alone. I am alone." A lump the size of Jupiter formed in my throat. I looked down at the stack of papers. My divorce has never felt more real than it did in that room, with me perched on some teal vinyl chair. Then....the marital status box. This was the first time that the marital status box has come up on a form for me since we separated. Which one was I supposed to check? Why do they need to know everyone's marital status anyway? Do I always have to check "divorced" for the rest of my life? I checked married, because the divorce paperwork hasn't been legally finalized yet....and I didn't want to give some insurance company any reason to deny me coverage during my last few weeks of health insurance. Sigh. Tuesday was hard.

I kept thinking all day how much I needed a hug....just some physical contact with another person. Every Tuesday night, I go to this biodynamic farm around the corner from my house for a potluck dinner. The potluck is held in this big outdoor kitchen, open-air barn right in the middle of one of the fields. It is magical. I walked up, and immediately two friends stopped eating their dinners, stopped their conversations and walked over to give me hugs and welcome me. It feels really good to be a part of that community. It feels really good to know that I can show up on Tuesday nights and get all of the delicious, healthy food and the big hugs I need. The day started and ended with some good decisions about taking care of myself. The middle part was intense, but I was able to roll through it without too much lingering sadness. I just don't want to pretend to myself or anyone reading this that this time has been all sunshine and happiness. There have been very real bumps in the road that hurt, but I'm accepting them and processing them, and I know that they are just as important to growth as the uplifting moments.