Celebrating Sophia Victoria Mallers

I was awake at 6am this morning, thinking about Sophia Victoria Mallers, and how two years ago this morning I was writing her a letter in a hospital room in San Francisco while I waited for her to be born. I spent all day on the 10th and the early part of the 11th, sitting with her mother (my dearest and closest friend) while the contractions came and went. It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life to have been there the day she entered the world. In my letter to her, I told her I couldn't wait to read her this letter over and over again when she got older. I couldn't wait to tell her about that morning, how everyone had fallen asleep and I was the only one still awake, watching the sunrise over the Golden Gate Bridge in a silent room, watching the pigeons float down from the roof and circle in the fog and ride the air currents rolling in off of the bay.

Sophia died when she was five months old, and I was also in San Francisco when she left this world. I got to read her the letter once before she passed. She changed me forever and for the better. Today would have been her second birthday. Today I honor her life and celebrate her, and at the same time my heart aches for my friend and her husband today. Sometimes I think there is no sense that can ever be made out of the loss of this amazing little girl. Sometimes I think she is the only thing that has ever made any sense to me. She puts everything in my life into perspective. I have studied at amazing universities, under some of the most brilliant minds, but she has been my greatest teacher. She taught me lessons about strength, determination, the power of a smile, hope, and being joyful and present. She taught me the simplest and the most profound lessons I'll probably ever learn. Would I trade them all in right now to see her blow out two birthday candles? God, yes. In a second. But for now, I'm trying to find my way beyond the sorrow and the things I can't change, and stumble towards acceptance and gratitude for the goodness that she brought in with her. At her funeral, everyone was given a packet of wildflower seeds. I hadn't planted mine yet...until today. It just never seemed like the right time. I could never decide on the right place to plant them. Today, I planted some of them in my garden, next to the lavender. I saved some of them for another time on another day.