Realization of the Week...

This past weekend, while I was in a feverish state and having odd dreams of blogging about Richard Nixon, I learned that Jonathan's family had all gathered at a resort in Washington State to celebrate his father's birthday. I immediately felt sad. At first I thought I was jealous/angry/bitter, because I would loooove to go on a vacation, but I have to pay the mortgage, pay down debt and keep up with financial responsibilities here. Then I thought maybe I was just envious, because I was throwing up and miserable, and I would have rather been doing pretty much anything else. Those all seemed like explanations that made sense, but they didn't feel accurate to me. I couldn't quite pinpoint exactly what made me sad about it until yesterday.

I was driving to the bank, and suddenly it hit me....I am sad, because I'm not their family anymore. I think that is one of the cruelest things about a divorce. You are not only separating from a significant other, but more than likely, you're losing a whole family in the process. I love Jonathan's father and sister so much, and really felt a part of their family. Now, suddenly, I'm not. I know they are very understanding of what is happening right now, and still care about me, but this weekend was the first time I really had to accept that my relationships with them have also changed.

I think that my father-in-law and I will keep having our wonderful, long phone conversations far into the future. Obviously, I don't expect them to invite me to family gatherings anymore, but with the news that they had all gathered for the first time without me, there was the realization of a disconnect that made me sad. I know that it is just a part of this whole process though, and when these things come up, I try not to think of them as good or bad...just part of this amazing and exciting transformation that is happening to my life right now.