Slapping Water

I had a dream about my ex last night. Not my husband, but my ex before him. I was touching his face, but his face was fuller than it was when I knew him. He seemed annoyed. I said I was sorry for touching his face. That is all I can remember of the dream. I've spent the past several years working on and moving through the crazy experience my ex gave me. For those of you who don't know what happened, that is for another blog post or an entire other book. Anyhow, all you need to know is that it was something I thought I was finished with, and I woke up angry that he appeared in my dreams. I woke up angry that the work wasn't finished.

A friend told me today, "Don't get frustrated that you aren't finished with it. It is only still there because there is a nugget of gold in it that you still haven't taken from it. It is the difference between slapping your hand on a pool of water and spinning your finger in that pool of water. If you slap your hand on water, you create ripples, and those ripples push the solution away. If you stir or spin the water with your finger, the solutions you want start spinning towards you." This was such an accurate and beautiful image that I almost threw up. He was exactly right. So thankful.

One of my favorite photos & weigh in...

I took this photo a little over two years ago on a flight back to Nashville from Arizona. It made no logical sense then & it still doesn't. That bright spot in the lower left is the moon. The night sky is above and below & that is a little angle of sunset. The angle got smaller and smaller until it was a sliver, and then it was gone. No clouds. No visible horizon line. It was a moment when I realized just how tiny I am and that there is so much about the world that I might never understand....and that not knowing everything is okay. Beautiful even.

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You know what else doesn't make sense to me? I've gained almost 3lbs since starting this blog 9 days ago! Trying not to let that discourage me. Telling myself I've been drinking a lot more water?!? Oh boy. I'm not going to obsess over the number on the scale, but I am hoping for some more encouraging results soon.

Sometimes Lonely Isn't Sad

Can't get this song out of my head. I'm going to declare it my song of the day. July 8, 2011.

(Hey, hey, look who is getting all fancy. I taught myself how to embed videos.)

Mystery squash & feng shui...

(Mystery squash/pumpkin? that is growing all along the fence. I picked some blossoms off & cooked them tonight. One of my favorite things to eat in the whole wide world. If you haven't tried it, just take the flowers, put them in a tiny bit of olive oil in a skillet with a pinch of salt. Sounds weird, but trust me...it is delicious.)

So, I was able to get up this morning at 6am! Snoozed for 30 minutes, which I felt wasn't bad, considering it was my first day of trying this whole early morning business....AND it was raining! I was trying to convince myself that I could just go back to sleep, since I couldn't go for a hike in a storm, but somehow I yanked myself out of bed anyway. I got so much done this morning on my long list of things to do. I had a slightly narcoleptic moment around 3pm, but other than that, it was a success! Going to give it another try tomorrow.

I spent the day with a great group of people and learned about Feng Shui. I had always been interested, and tried a few things when we moved into this house. Anyhow, I got home this evening and rearranged a lot of my house. I can already tell a huge difference. I had noticed that I was never wanting to sit at my desk...or even go in the room where my desk was. Something just felt off about it. Now I have my office in what used to be my living room & it feels so much better. I can't believe I didn't try this configuration before.

About eight years ago, I bought a framed copy of this (see below) at a Goodwill store. For a while I had it hanging in my house. It eventually got shoved in a closet after a few moves across country. A few months ago, I found it in a closet & started reading it aloud to myself each morning.

(I've seen this with line breaks and stanzas, but I like it as a prose paragraph, which is how it is in my framed version. I'm not sure exactly what the asterisks are about. In the one I have, they actually look more like flowers than asterisks. Anyhow, I'm guessing they just note a longer pause between sentences.)

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. *** Keep interested on your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. *** Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. *** Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. *** You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. *** Therefore, be at peace with God whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. *** With all it's sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

Everything's Permitted

This was painted on the fence post a few houses down from my home in Tucson. I passed by it several times a day. I'm still not able to fully wrap my brain around it, but I have always known that I like it....whatever it means.

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Went back to the scene of the crime today (aka Macy's) to get shoes and belts for the artist in the video shoot. Sucked in my belly and speed walked to the men's shoe section. Old man who thinks I'm pregnant wasn't there. Whew.

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Lately I've been working so much that I haven't been able to make the afternoon or evening yoga classes, and it is dark when I get home, so hiking in the woods isn't an option. I tried to get up at 5:30 this morning to make a 6:30am yoga class. It didn't happen. Then I tried to get up at 7 to hike before work. Also didn't happen. I like sleep. I have a hard time getting up in the mornings. I don't drink coffee, so I figure I'm being doubly healthy....well rested & not over caffeinated. It struck me today that this type of reasoning with myself might be something I need to reevaluate. I am going to try a regular early routine, which just might mean I'll also have to start liking a little coffee or espresso. Maybe the happiest/healthiest/most fulfilled version of myself wakes up at 5:30 every morning & I just never knew, because I never tried. Maybe that version of myself is one of those annoying morning people. I'm going to give it a shot....starting tomorrow. Setting the alarm now.

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If everything's permitted, a blog with three separate thoughts and no attempt to link them is totally fine then, right?

Reason #4931 why I don't enjoy going to the mall....

Just walked inside from herding the chickens into their new coop location (again). Something has been stealing chickens at night, so my friend Mikey helped me turn what used to be the goat shed into a new chicken coop that is more secure. Chickens are afraid of the dark and normally go into their coop as the sun starts setting. They haven't all caught onto the new coop location though, so I go out and shake them out of trees, run around in the yard after them, try to sneak up on them while they are deciding that the grill would be a good place to roost. (It is true. Chickens aren't very smart). As if looking like an idiot, chasing 10 chickens around in the yard for an hour wasn't humbling enough, get ready for the ridiculous story of the day....

I have been very lucky to be working with my dear friend and uber-talented fashion stylist, Samantha. She's in LA right now, so we're coordinating by phone and gathering things needed for a music video shoot on Monday. Off I went this morning to find a three piece suit. The men's suit section of Macy's is not my comfort zone, so I asked for help from a nice old man who was standing behind the counter. He helped me gather the sizes I needed. As he was ringing everything up, I was text messaging Samantha what I had found. The man kept going on and on. I wasn't really paying attention. I just nodded every time he paused. At one point I heard him say something about being a Christian, and that the world needs more of them. This is not that weird of a thing to hear when you live in the Bible belt. I just hummed an agreeable sounding, "Mmm" & kept texting.

Then I heard him say, "Looks like you're working on another one there yourself." I wasn't sure what he meant, and again nodded along, trying to tune him out. I thought maybe he was referring to the music video, since I had mentioned I was shopping for one? Maybe he assumed it was a Christian music video? Then he said, "When is that one due?" He had already asked and I had already explained that the music video wouldn't be out for several months. I was getting a little frustrated. He knew I was work texting about the purchase he was still slowly ringing up. Then he asked again. I looked up from my iPhone, and realized he was looking at my stomach.

I didn't know what to do or how to answer. I thought about saying, "No, I'm apparently just fat," but I didn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him he had just asked the one question you NEVER ask a woman unless you can see a baby's head on the way out. I thought about making up a due date, but couldn't do the math in my head for what might make sense. I panicked, just looked back down at my phone and mumbled, "Oh, not for quite a while." He seemed satisfied with that answer and went on telling me that he had six kids, so that's how he could tell, which made me go from feeling like I wanted to crawl under a rack of discount blazers and die to feeling like I wanted to fall over laughing. Men.

I walked back to the car with my garment bags, and couldn't figure out if I was about to cry or about to laugh. Both felt very close to happening, but I did neither. I just sat in my car and thought, "SHIT. Why did that have to happen right now? Really, right now?" I really want to laugh about it, but I'm not quite ready yet. There is still a little part of me that feels defeated and embarrassed. It definitely was something I wish hadn't happened, but I can have a sense of humor about it. I also can really stay motivated about my eating healthier/exercising more plan.

On a more uplifting note, I stopped by the East Nashville Farmer's Market after working at the shop tonight & got a 5 min free massage from my friend Wesley. He's such a good massage therapist that at the end of 5 minutes, you feel like you've just had a 90 minute massage. I've been hoping to catch him there for several weeks, because my shoulders and upper back have been all knotted up. Afterwards, I almost couldn't talk, I was so relaxed. I had to sit down for a while before I could even drive home. I am extra grateful for those 5 minutes of my day.

After deciding yesterday to focus on the things I have, here is a list of the first three that come to mind tonight:

1. I have a home where I feel safe.

2. I have a car that gets me where I need to go & runs on free fuel.

3. I have some sweet animal friends who are always happy. Here is a photo of one of them. This is Gus. He is a 7 year-old mystery mix. This photo was taken five years ago on the 4th of July.

Today's short temper tantrum (this blog also goes by the title: I have a bag of apples & a crisper full of greens.)

I was just in Trader Joe's, buying apples. (They have bags of apples for really cheap.) A sweet friend of mine gave me a bunch of extra greens from a local farm. This morning, I wanted to juice some of them for breakfast, but didn't have anything else to throw in the juicer with them....I learned the hard way that just greens juiced alone do not taste delicious. At all.

So, there I was in line at Trader Joe's, and all of a sudden I started getting angry at everything around me. The very handsome man and very beautiful woman in the line next to me were clearly a couple, clearly in love and clearly pleased with their grocery purchases. I was sure they were going to go home, make some delicious dinner and not be lonely. I was convinced their lives were perfect. This imagined perfection irritated me.

Then I was angry, because the guy in front of me had two overflowing shopping baskets and so many groceries in his arms that he kept dropping things. As he sat down his armful of food, he leaned back past me and picked out a bar of dark chocolate next to the counter....the dark chocolate I really wanted, but had just told myself I couldn't afford. I thought to myself, "He clearly doesn't have to worry about money. He can buy whatever he wants." I was clenching the bag of apples tighter. It seemed to be taking forever for the guy in the crazy print shirt to scan each box of frozen fish sticks from the overflowing baskets. Then I caught myself.

I was not only being impatient, and that was leading to unnecessary stress, but I was also feeling some very ugly/unflattering emotions. What was that anger about? When I scratched at it a bit, I realized it wasn't anger at all. I wasn't annoyed (well, maybe a little by the Trader Joe's Hawaiian shirts and all of the bell ringing), I was envious. I wanted to be picking out two grocery baskets full of whatever food I wanted with some handsome man who loved me....and I wanted to toss in the dark chocolate bar without having to think about how much money was in my bank account (or how much weight I was trying to lose over the next 11 weeks). There I was, a 29 year-old having an internal 2 year-old tantrum. Once I realized how ridiculous I was being, I almost laughed at myself. My pity party was getting so crowded, it was soon going to need a guest list and a bouncer with big biceps. A saying I've read more than once recently popped in my head....that happiness is not about having what you want, but wanting what you have. I'm going to try really hard the next 11 weeks to stop focusing on all of the things I don't have & start focusing on the things I do have.