Heard this song on the radio yesterday & it has been stuck in my head ever since...

My Anniversary Recap...

I've had trouble writing about how I felt....not because I don't want to admit how I felt or be honest, but mostly because the way I felt surprised me, and it has taken a few days for me to process what happened. The day before my anniversary was much worse than the actual day. I found a gift card for Miel that a good friend had given us as a wedding gift, and took myself out to dinner the night before. I went home and drank wine and looked through pictures and cried. A lot. It was like a scene in a bad made-for-tv movie about a breakup. I haven't felt that sad in years, but I moved through a lot of important emotions that night that I know I needed to feel and process. I mourned the loss of my marriage, as well as the loss of a person and friend I thought I understood. I felt devastated. I felt confused. I got angry. I did not throw my wedding dress into a bonfire or anything (although that might be fun)...it was just a hard night. Finally, I was able to fall asleep around 5am. I had to get up at 8:30 for work. I was exhausted most of the anniversary day, but I was surprisingly okay. I felt like I should be more upset than I really felt. (Which makes me think of Colleen's reading in yoga class that I posted earlier). Sometimes our expectations of how we think we should feel or others think we should feel can be so different from what our honest feelings are that we almost feel guilty admitting them. Of course I was sad, but the anxiety I felt over what I might feel was much worse than my actual reaction. There were mixed emotions for sure, but the most overwhelming and obvious feeling was one of relief. I know that may sound awful, but it was how I felt.

I worked all day, and then went to see Shakespeare in the park that night. They were putting on Romeo & Juliet. I took some wine and an old quilt. My friend Samantha met me there for part of the play. There was a homeless man on a bench not far from where I sat on my blanket. I found something strangely comforting about watching that man laugh at the funny parts of the play, along with the rest of the audience. The fact that we were all gathered there to enjoy words of a love story that was written so long ago, but is still so powerful...it made me feel connected to the universal human experience. It made me feel less alone than I thought I'd feel that day. The day passed and so did the next one and the next one. I was fine. I shouldn't have been so afraid. I also shouldn't have had greasy pizza two days in a row after eating super-healthy for a while, but hey, I'm learning. That's the important thing. I'm being honest with myself and I'm learning.

Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.

-Margaret Young

"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment."

— Rumi

My favorite ballerina....

This is a photo I took of my friend, Miss M, last week at the East Nashville Farmer's Market. She had some BIG news to tell me. She could hardly speak, she was so excited. She had just signed up for ballet classes earlier that day. Her little fists were just waving around with joy (see photo) as she described the shoes, tights and the leotard that she got for class. I just had to capture this moment. She was so darn excited about life. I can't remember the last time I was so excited about something that I did a happy dance in public. I want to be so excited about something that I can barely speak. Finding myself so grateful, once again, for inspiration from this little lady. Looking forward to Miss M's first ballet recital.

Pre-haircut panic

I've been having dreams about making some drastic hair changes. In one a few nights ago, I dyed my hair blonde. It could be interesting, but my hair grows way too fast for that. I'd have dark roots in an hour after leaving the salon. I've thought about cutting it short again. I've had hair down to my waist and I've shaved my head....and I loved both. I'm not sure what I want, but I know I'm ready for a change (and I have an appointment tomorrow at 11am with Amanda at Cognito Salon). Time to come up with a plan! I'm open to suggestions. (My hair is a little below my shoulders right now, so that is what I have to work with.) Here is one hairdo I will definitely not be asking Amanda to recreate. There, I've narrowed it down somewhat at least.

Baby Holding Tour 2011

I feel like everyone I know is having babies. Today I drove up to Louisville to snuggle with just a few of my favorite babies and their families. It is so fascinating to me to see people I've been friends with since we were 8 years-old become moms and dads. I'm loving every minute of getting to know their kids. Here are a few photos from my day.

meeting mister w for the first time!

hanging with sweet miss c. later in the day. she smiled a ton. i just happened to snap a photo the one time she wasn't grinning.

a girl and her cat. so sweet.