You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...You must do the thing you cannot do.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Photo of the Day 8.26.11

We met today to sign some paperwork having to do with the house. I found myself sitting alone at the table at one point and decided to take this photo of our tea mugs. When I downloaded it, I noticed his hand print on the vinyl booth. Something about this photo makes me very sad.

On a lighter note, I'm babysitting for my friend's daughters tonight....and for the cockatiel they found on the side of the road and named Hot Sauce. Gosh, I love the things kids say and the way they think.

Several times today, they individually stopped what they were doing and walked up to me to say, "Oh, Jen, I love you!" They would hug my neck, and then go back to making cupcakes out of play-doh or playing tag in the yard. Made me think how we must stay open to receive love. It may not always arrive in the forms we expect or the ways we want it to. We may be distracted by the meaning of a handprint left behind by a man who can't express any emotion to us at all, but then love arrives alright...in its own way. Totally unsolicited and honest. I'm grateful.

There are years that ask questions and years that answer.

-Zora Neale Hurston

Heard this song on the radio yesterday & it has been stuck in my head ever since...

My Anniversary Recap...

I've had trouble writing about how I felt....not because I don't want to admit how I felt or be honest, but mostly because the way I felt surprised me, and it has taken a few days for me to process what happened. The day before my anniversary was much worse than the actual day. I found a gift card for Miel that a good friend had given us as a wedding gift, and took myself out to dinner the night before. I went home and drank wine and looked through pictures and cried. A lot. It was like a scene in a bad made-for-tv movie about a breakup. I haven't felt that sad in years, but I moved through a lot of important emotions that night that I know I needed to feel and process. I mourned the loss of my marriage, as well as the loss of a person and friend I thought I understood. I felt devastated. I felt confused. I got angry. I did not throw my wedding dress into a bonfire or anything (although that might be fun)...it was just a hard night. Finally, I was able to fall asleep around 5am. I had to get up at 8:30 for work. I was exhausted most of the anniversary day, but I was surprisingly okay. I felt like I should be more upset than I really felt. (Which makes me think of Colleen's reading in yoga class that I posted earlier). Sometimes our expectations of how we think we should feel or others think we should feel can be so different from what our honest feelings are that we almost feel guilty admitting them. Of course I was sad, but the anxiety I felt over what I might feel was much worse than my actual reaction. There were mixed emotions for sure, but the most overwhelming and obvious feeling was one of relief. I know that may sound awful, but it was how I felt.

I worked all day, and then went to see Shakespeare in the park that night. They were putting on Romeo & Juliet. I took some wine and an old quilt. My friend Samantha met me there for part of the play. There was a homeless man on a bench not far from where I sat on my blanket. I found something strangely comforting about watching that man laugh at the funny parts of the play, along with the rest of the audience. The fact that we were all gathered there to enjoy words of a love story that was written so long ago, but is still so powerful...it made me feel connected to the universal human experience. It made me feel less alone than I thought I'd feel that day. The day passed and so did the next one and the next one. I was fine. I shouldn't have been so afraid. I also shouldn't have had greasy pizza two days in a row after eating super-healthy for a while, but hey, I'm learning. That's the important thing. I'm being honest with myself and I'm learning.

Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.

-Margaret Young

"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment."

— Rumi