Oh, today....

I woke up feeling very hopeful about today. I had a big list of things to get accomplished. Then, everything started going completely wrong....finally culminating at the very moment I took this photo. (Flat tire and no money). I felt completely distraught and overwhelmed. I took a deep breath and picked up my phone and asked for help. Help came. No, complete and total grace came. Some dear friends showed up and selflessly turned my entire day around. The most beautiful moments so often come out of the most unlikely experiences. I didn't get a single thing on my list done today, but that's quite alright.

An email and a photo from my mom today....

(Mimi was my grandmother who passed away not too long after this photo was taken.)

"This was the day that Mimi let you unwrap her expensive glasses we got her just to hear you squeal with delight each time you saw the glass. She would rewrap the glasses in tissue paper and you would repeat the process, much to her delight, over and over. I thought you would like to see a happier day that you too were like Miss M."

Speaking of Phil Levine...

So, I apparently live under a rock most of the time. I totally missed the announcement last month that one of my favorite people in the whole world is now the Poet Laureate of The United States! Phil Levine...gosh. I don't know where to begin. I was twenty-one when this photo was taken. This is at the Levine's apartment in Brooklyn. The wonderful Kate Daniels had suggested I fly there to interview him for The Vanderbilt Review. He agreed to the interview. Vanderbilt bought my plane ticket. I have no idea how all of that happened to me, but it did, and at the time, (thank goodness) I was too young and naive to really understand the true importance of any of it....otherwise I may have thrown up on his tennis shoes. I showed up at their door with flowers for Franny Levine and fresh cannolis for Phil. I had never really interviewed anyone before. We sat and talked for most of the afternoon. He was brilliant, wildly funny, very honest and humble.

I've had the chance to see Phil read several times since then, but we mostly kept in touch through written letters up until a few years ago. It is crazy that I've let so much time go by without writing. I am going to sit down and write to him this week. I'm just so happy for him. What a wild ride of a life. He grew up very poor in Detroit. He worked the night shift at the Chevrolet gear and axle factory....and now he's the Poet Laureate! Amazing & inspiring.

Love's Not Through With Me Yet

Darrell Scott and I met about eight years ago when my then-boyfriend was playing bass with him. We had an instant friendship after discovering we are both admirers/students of the poet Philip Levine. Darrell studied with Phil at Tufts University, and almost gave up songwriting to focus entirely on poetry. I'm sure glad he took the songwriting path, because his songs have saved me more than once....today included. A friend posted this song of his this afternoon on Facebook. Not the clearest audio, so I posted the lyrics below.

Oh, I have seen the young girls cry
Thinking love has passed them by
They’re struggling with a heavy load
But if love’s not here, it’s down the road

And I have seen the young men run
Just like their father’s father’s son
They take the love and leave the shame
Oh, but one day love will call their name and say

Can you love without needing
Lift it up as a silent prayer
Can you open your heart without bleeding
Take that open heart everywhere
Can you hold a place within your breast
For someone you’ve never met
Well then, love’s not through with you yet

Well, I have climbed to lover’s lane
I felt the joy, I felt the pain
Asking for another’s soul
Thinking they could make me whole

Now I heard a voice from deep inside
Saying you’re not blamed for love you tried
Oh, you may think that love takes two
But love’s a gift from you to you

Can you love without needing
Lift it up as a silent prayer
Can you open your heart without bleeding
Take that open heart everywhere
And I have tried without ceasing
To give love without regret
I know love’s not through with me yet

Can you hold a place within your breast
For someone you’ve never met
Then love’s not through with you
I said love’s not through with me
I know love’s not through with us yet

Two Wolves

A Cherokee elder was teaching his children about life. He said to them, "A terrible fight is going on inside me. It is a fight between two wolves. One is the wolf of joy, love, hope, kindness and compassion. The other is the wolf of fear, anger, cynicism, indifference and greed. The same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too." The children thought about it for a moment, and then one child asked, "Which wolf will win?" The elder replied, "Whichever one you feed."

(traditional Cherokee legend)

Celebrating Sophia Victoria Mallers

I was awake at 6am this morning, thinking about Sophia Victoria Mallers, and how two years ago this morning I was writing her a letter in a hospital room in San Francisco while I waited for her to be born. I spent all day on the 10th and the early part of the 11th, sitting with her mother (my dearest and closest friend) while the contractions came and went. It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life to have been there the day she entered the world. In my letter to her, I told her I couldn't wait to read her this letter over and over again when she got older. I couldn't wait to tell her about that morning, how everyone had fallen asleep and I was the only one still awake, watching the sunrise over the Golden Gate Bridge in a silent room, watching the pigeons float down from the roof and circle in the fog and ride the air currents rolling in off of the bay.

Sophia died when she was five months old, and I was also in San Francisco when she left this world. I got to read her the letter once before she passed. She changed me forever and for the better. Today would have been her second birthday. Today I honor her life and celebrate her, and at the same time my heart aches for my friend and her husband today. Sometimes I think there is no sense that can ever be made out of the loss of this amazing little girl. Sometimes I think she is the only thing that has ever made any sense to me. She puts everything in my life into perspective. I have studied at amazing universities, under some of the most brilliant minds, but she has been my greatest teacher. She taught me lessons about strength, determination, the power of a smile, hope, and being joyful and present. She taught me the simplest and the most profound lessons I'll probably ever learn. Would I trade them all in right now to see her blow out two birthday candles? God, yes. In a second. But for now, I'm trying to find my way beyond the sorrow and the things I can't change, and stumble towards acceptance and gratitude for the goodness that she brought in with her. At her funeral, everyone was given a packet of wildflower seeds. I hadn't planted mine yet...until today. It just never seemed like the right time. I could never decide on the right place to plant them. Today, I planted some of them in my garden, next to the lavender. I saved some of them for another time on another day.