Two Wolves

A Cherokee elder was teaching his children about life. He said to them, "A terrible fight is going on inside me. It is a fight between two wolves. One is the wolf of joy, love, hope, kindness and compassion. The other is the wolf of fear, anger, cynicism, indifference and greed. The same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too." The children thought about it for a moment, and then one child asked, "Which wolf will win?" The elder replied, "Whichever one you feed."

(traditional Cherokee legend)

Celebrating Sophia Victoria Mallers

I was awake at 6am this morning, thinking about Sophia Victoria Mallers, and how two years ago this morning I was writing her a letter in a hospital room in San Francisco while I waited for her to be born. I spent all day on the 10th and the early part of the 11th, sitting with her mother (my dearest and closest friend) while the contractions came and went. It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life to have been there the day she entered the world. In my letter to her, I told her I couldn't wait to read her this letter over and over again when she got older. I couldn't wait to tell her about that morning, how everyone had fallen asleep and I was the only one still awake, watching the sunrise over the Golden Gate Bridge in a silent room, watching the pigeons float down from the roof and circle in the fog and ride the air currents rolling in off of the bay.

Sophia died when she was five months old, and I was also in San Francisco when she left this world. I got to read her the letter once before she passed. She changed me forever and for the better. Today would have been her second birthday. Today I honor her life and celebrate her, and at the same time my heart aches for my friend and her husband today. Sometimes I think there is no sense that can ever be made out of the loss of this amazing little girl. Sometimes I think she is the only thing that has ever made any sense to me. She puts everything in my life into perspective. I have studied at amazing universities, under some of the most brilliant minds, but she has been my greatest teacher. She taught me lessons about strength, determination, the power of a smile, hope, and being joyful and present. She taught me the simplest and the most profound lessons I'll probably ever learn. Would I trade them all in right now to see her blow out two birthday candles? God, yes. In a second. But for now, I'm trying to find my way beyond the sorrow and the things I can't change, and stumble towards acceptance and gratitude for the goodness that she brought in with her. At her funeral, everyone was given a packet of wildflower seeds. I hadn't planted mine yet...until today. It just never seemed like the right time. I could never decide on the right place to plant them. Today, I planted some of them in my garden, next to the lavender. I saved some of them for another time on another day.

quote from the book I'm currently reading...

"No single decision you ever made has led in a straight line to where you find you find yourself now. You peeked down some roads and took a few steps before turning back. You followed some roads that came to a dead end and others that got lost at too many intersections. Ultimately, all roads are connected to all other roads. So break out of the mindset that your life consists of good and bad choices that set your destiny on an unswerving course. Your life is the product of your awareness. Every choice follows from that, and so does every step of growth."

-The Book of Secrets by Deepak Chopra

peace vigil

The Scarritt Bennett Center (near Vanderbilt) is hosting a series of events leading up to the 30th anniversary of the International Day of Peace on September 21st. One event took place last night, and it was a silent candle lighting service/peace vigil. As I sat in the grass with my candle, I was all of a sudden reminded of a candle lighting service that took place on the lawn of Vanderbilt's campus right after September 11th. I hadn't thought about that night in about ten years, and there I was, doing the same thing in basically the same spot. It felt very full circle and appropriate. (My candle at the peace vigil pictured.)

It is difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a home-grown tomato. -Lewis Grizzard

Johnny and Tara have family visiting, so I worked The Green Wagon booth at the West Nashville Farmer's Market yesterday morning. Such a beautiful day and got to see lots of people from when I used to work there every weekend. Tomatoes pictured above are from Sulphur Creek/Bells Bend Farm.)

How Miss M Imagines My Birthday Party

Miss M and I were chatting yesterday, and the topic of birthdays came up. I told her my birthday was coming up very soon, and I asked her how old she thought I was going to be. She confidently guessed 9. (Gosh, I love that child.) She asked if she could come to my birthday party. I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to have one. I might as well have told her that I was going to chop off my own leg. She was horrified, and insisted that I HAD to have one. Then she said we needed to make a list, and that she would help me plan. With an orange crayon on the back of a drawing of a puppy, I wrote this list while she dictated it to me:

Miss Jennifer's Birthday

1. Everybody has to wear handsome and pretty clothes

2. cupcakes

3. juice boxes

4. any kind of presents for little kids

5. everybody can have whatever they want without asking permission (including cheetahs and cheetos)?

6. popcorn (she specified that it should be plain)

7. a bowl of nutritional yeast (?)

8. many mac and cheeses

9. pancakes

10. chocolate milk

11. everyone has to play mom & dad