I found hope. It was in a box of books in a stranger's closet.

I spent the afternoon yesterday helping a man clean out his closets. His wife died about two years ago, and most of what we went through today belonged to her. I was sorting through some boxes of books she was reading in the last few months of her life and opened one. On the page the book fell open to was this quote:

“Never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him, for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low, could still be saved; the bitterest enemy and also he who was your friend could again be your friend; love that has grown cold can kindle.”

Soren Kierkegaard

I got the chills. I felt like I was meant to read that....like it was a little gift. A part of me was relieved when I read this, because I felt like it gave me permission to feel some things I've convinced myself I'm not allowed to feel anymore. A part of me also felt angry when I read this, because I have worked so hard to stop having hope, so I could let go and move forward with my life. It is extremely hard for me to give up on things, but at a certain point, having hope felt like standing still and waiting on something that I wasn't sure I even wanted anymore. Sometimes having hope felt less like a healthy choice and more like I was just being stubborn. There is a fine line between holding hope and being stubborn. This is so confusing! What I have learned is that it is much harder to give up hope than to find it. I can find it in a split second. I am an optimist, so finding the good and the hope in a situation comes as second nature to me, but I have been really struggling with this conflict the quote brought up for me.

When I read this quote more closely though, I realize it says to never give up hope for "him" not "your relationship" or "your life together." That I can do. Maybe I can learn to not have to let go of hope, but instead shift it...like how energy doesn't disappear when we die, it just gets transformed. Maybe transforming hope means I don't have to lose hope, but I can move forward at the same time.