Birthday Milkshakes

Today I drove up to Owensboro and spent the day with my grandparents for my grandfather's 85th birthday. As soon as I pulled into the driveway, my grandfather ran outside to see my new (well, new to me) car and show me his tomato plants. I just love this man. I told him I would take him anywhere he wanted for his birthday lunch. His request was a spicy chicken sandwich and a vanilla milkshake. Then I helped them pack for their trip to D.C. They leave in the morning with my mom, uncle & aunt on a birthday quest to take him to see the WWII memorial there. We figured up at dinner that it has been about 45 years since just the five of them have taken a road trip together! So glad I got to spend today with them.

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love."

-Rumi

Remembering, with gratitude....

A year ago today one of my favorite people passed away. My Aunt Mary traveled all over the world. She loved an adventure. She loved to throw parties. She loved to tell stories. She was generous. She was funny. She was feisty and independent. She was totally herself and unapologetic for being who she was.

My grandmother died suddenly when I was 2. After that, her sister (Mary) stepped into that role, while at the same time telling endless stories about my grandmother, so my sisters and I could know her, (even though none of us could remember her and my youngest sister never met her).

I've missed her so much in the past year, especially the past few months. She never once judged me for any decisions I made or for anything I wanted to do with my life. (No judgement is pretty impressive, when you think that I am a poet who wanted to open a green general store.) The older I get, the more I realize how rare and amazing that support was. At her funeral, I remember walking in the funeral home and becoming totally overwhelmed with emotion, and seeing so many other people I had never met devastated as well. All of a sudden I realized I was standing in a room of people who had all just lost their #1 fan. What a gift her life and friendship was. If there is anyone up there watching out for me, it's her & I am sure grateful.

My first dream in color & my first trip to a monastery....

12% of the population dreams only in black and white. When I read this several years ago, I realized my dreams were in black in white. It had never occurred to me before that they lacked color. Last night, I dreamed in color for the first time I can remember.

I was driving along the coast somewhere. At one point, I got to this buddhist monastery on the edge of the ocean. The monks lived in these beautiful little colorful huts with prayer flags draped between them & I could see some of the monks in their orange robes praying in groups on this platform out near the water. Near the road, there was a very old monk getting a massage while sitting in meditation? ha. It was such a beautiful place and the colors were so vivid that I got out of my car to take a photo. While I was standing there, this woman walked up to talk to me. At first, I thought she was going to get mad at me for taking a photo, but instead she invited me into a building and started telling me things about myself and my life that she couldn't have possibly known. I confirmed that everything she had said was true, and confessed that I have been feeling confused and unfocused about what direction I should go with my life now. I have so many ideas, but I don't know which one is the one to focus on now that everything has changed and I don't know what would make me happiest. She said, "Oh, the answer is so clear. The Green Wagon website. That is what you need to focus on now." (I hadn't mentioned The Green Wagon to her in our conversation.) Then she invited me to come back the next day at 3pm to talk more with her. Odd, huh?

I am not always the best at interpreting dreams, but I think I've got this one. I think it means it is definitely time for me to buckle down and finish the online store and launch that sucker! What does it mean that this is my first dream I can recall being in color? I don't know. That really excites me. Maybe it means I'm waking up in a way? Perhaps it means I just might possibly be on the right track to becoming the best, happiest, most fulfilled version of myself? Now wouldn't that be great!

Goat Visit

I woke up in a funk this morning, read some of the book I'm trudging through & then decided the cure for my funk was to go hold some baby goats. The woman I sold my goats to has invited me to her house several times, so I hopped in the car and took a nice long drive through the country to go visit some old friends & meet one of their new family members.

Meet baby Newton.

She got sleepy and took a quick nap.

Proud Mama Fig.

Hanging out with Fig, Newton & Trinket.

Can't pronounce the horse's name. He was sweet though & had pretty blue eyes.

Sweet Newton & my old friend, Fig.

Word on the street is that Fig is a great mom.

I stepped out of my car and this little guy, Trinket, came running towards me, full speed & right into my arms. Fig sat with me like this for a while and let me pet her. Such a great visit and definitely turned my mood around. Annabelle and Cowboy are doing well too. I just figured you'd probably rather see baby goat photos than old stinky billy goat photos.

I found hope. It was in a box of books in a stranger's closet.

I spent the afternoon yesterday helping a man clean out his closets. His wife died about two years ago, and most of what we went through today belonged to her. I was sorting through some boxes of books she was reading in the last few months of her life and opened one. On the page the book fell open to was this quote:

“Never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him, for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low, could still be saved; the bitterest enemy and also he who was your friend could again be your friend; love that has grown cold can kindle.”

Soren Kierkegaard

I got the chills. I felt like I was meant to read that....like it was a little gift. A part of me was relieved when I read this, because I felt like it gave me permission to feel some things I've convinced myself I'm not allowed to feel anymore. A part of me also felt angry when I read this, because I have worked so hard to stop having hope, so I could let go and move forward with my life. It is extremely hard for me to give up on things, but at a certain point, having hope felt like standing still and waiting on something that I wasn't sure I even wanted anymore. Sometimes having hope felt less like a healthy choice and more like I was just being stubborn. There is a fine line between holding hope and being stubborn. This is so confusing! What I have learned is that it is much harder to give up hope than to find it. I can find it in a split second. I am an optimist, so finding the good and the hope in a situation comes as second nature to me, but I have been really struggling with this conflict the quote brought up for me.

When I read this quote more closely though, I realize it says to never give up hope for "him" not "your relationship" or "your life together." That I can do. Maybe I can learn to not have to let go of hope, but instead shift it...like how energy doesn't disappear when we die, it just gets transformed. Maybe transforming hope means I don't have to lose hope, but I can move forward at the same time.

Treating myself....

I had to get up early to go to a doctor's appointment this morning. Afterwards, I was craving a salad. Yes, a salad at 10am. There is a beautiful new Whole Foods next door to my doctor that I had been hearing about, so even though I felt like I had a whole big long list of things I should rush off to do, I listened to my body first and took some time to take care of myself. Maybe I'm getting the hang of this after all. I made a big salad and also treated myself to a superfoods drink that I really wanted to try. They weighed me at the doctor today, and I'm still hovering right at 140. I have been noticing a difference in inches though over the past week. My clothes are fitting differently and I am starting to feel better....that matters way more to me than the number on the scale, so I'm going to go ahead and call that progress!