My morning revelation about codependency...

For the past two years, I have felt like I have been standing at the edge of an old stone well, with a bucket the end of the rope. As time went on, the bucket kept filling up with something very very heavy that I couldn't lift. Sometimes, when I had the energy, I would strain with all my might to pull it back up. Sometimes, when I didn't have the energy, I would just brace myself and make sure I didn't let it slip any further. I was sure if I could just somehow lift it out, everything would be fine. I was resisting. I was refusing to just let go out of fear, I guess. What would happen then? What if I needed what was in that bucket? What I am beginning to see is that I spent so much time looking down into that well that I forgot to look up and around & notice that this well is located in the middle of a lake! I will be just fine if I let go. I won't run out of water. I don't need to stand there anymore. I don't need a bucket or a rope to survive. I just thought I did. The bucket doesn't contain water anyway and you can't drink lead. Silly me.

Thai restaurant. Manhattan. Breakfast. 2006.

This photo makes me think of perception. I took this image of a man (Khristoph) who was sitting on the other side of the table from me. In his spoon he was upside down to himself, but right side up from where I sat. It makes me think of how we would sometimes rather find something that reflects, but distorts reality in a way that we want/makes us more comfortable....not the way it actually is. How sometimes we'd rather look at the reflection of a person than the actual truth of a person. Something about being with my grandparents makes me feel safe, happy and like I can do anything. I was driving back to Nashville, feeling optimistic. Those happy thoughts were aimlessly flying around in the car, looking for something to land on....until they all simultaneously latched onto my relationship. GASP!

All of a sudden, I felt like, "I can fight for this again. I can fix this. Life is too short. We just have to do this and this and that and then everything will be great." I found myself immediately back in that old, unhealthy and untrue thought cycle of trying to control and fix. I saw what I was doing, but I didn't care. Last night, I just wanted to believe that I could make this miracle happen. I wanted so badly to force the whole damn thing onto the face of a little silver spoon and make it look right side up to me again. I was looking at the situation, not as it actually is, not taking into account anything that has actually happened, but as the stubborn image of the way I sometimes think I want it to be. I wasn't even really taking into account the other person....it was more the idea of a relationship I wanted to fight for. I would have tried to save the world last night, but details transpired in a very interesting way to make it so I just went home and read a book. Sometimes the universe lets us make mistakes. Sometimes it loves us too much to allow it.

(For the record, that was not the case with this photo though....Khristoph rocks.)

My horoscope for 7/29:

Look for a financial increase then try to relax a little. Maintain the status quo but put off pushing anything new just yet. Differences today can be overcome. Just remember the "M" word (moderation) in celebrating a victory.

Got a message last night that I had a paycheck ready to pick up. Read my horoscope this morning. I thought the check was for a smaller job I did about a month ago, but when I stopped by the office on my way out of town this morning, I found out it was for a much bigger music video job I did a few weeks ago. I wasn't expecting to get paid for another few weeks! That definitely decreased my stress level and means that I can stop obsessing over how I am going to cover the mortgage for August. That part of the horoscope was right on.

I spent the day eating squash casserole, so maybe that counts as putting off pushing anything new? We celebrated a birthday, which I guess is a kind of victory? Ok, I'm reaching now. Time for bed.

Birthday Milkshakes

Today I drove up to Owensboro and spent the day with my grandparents for my grandfather's 85th birthday. As soon as I pulled into the driveway, my grandfather ran outside to see my new (well, new to me) car and show me his tomato plants. I just love this man. I told him I would take him anywhere he wanted for his birthday lunch. His request was a spicy chicken sandwich and a vanilla milkshake. Then I helped them pack for their trip to D.C. They leave in the morning with my mom, uncle & aunt on a birthday quest to take him to see the WWII memorial there. We figured up at dinner that it has been about 45 years since just the five of them have taken a road trip together! So glad I got to spend today with them.

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love."

-Rumi

Remembering, with gratitude....

A year ago today one of my favorite people passed away. My Aunt Mary traveled all over the world. She loved an adventure. She loved to throw parties. She loved to tell stories. She was generous. She was funny. She was feisty and independent. She was totally herself and unapologetic for being who she was.

My grandmother died suddenly when I was 2. After that, her sister (Mary) stepped into that role, while at the same time telling endless stories about my grandmother, so my sisters and I could know her, (even though none of us could remember her and my youngest sister never met her).

I've missed her so much in the past year, especially the past few months. She never once judged me for any decisions I made or for anything I wanted to do with my life. (No judgement is pretty impressive, when you think that I am a poet who wanted to open a green general store.) The older I get, the more I realize how rare and amazing that support was. At her funeral, I remember walking in the funeral home and becoming totally overwhelmed with emotion, and seeing so many other people I had never met devastated as well. All of a sudden I realized I was standing in a room of people who had all just lost their #1 fan. What a gift her life and friendship was. If there is anyone up there watching out for me, it's her & I am sure grateful.

My first dream in color & my first trip to a monastery....

12% of the population dreams only in black and white. When I read this several years ago, I realized my dreams were in black in white. It had never occurred to me before that they lacked color. Last night, I dreamed in color for the first time I can remember.

I was driving along the coast somewhere. At one point, I got to this buddhist monastery on the edge of the ocean. The monks lived in these beautiful little colorful huts with prayer flags draped between them & I could see some of the monks in their orange robes praying in groups on this platform out near the water. Near the road, there was a very old monk getting a massage while sitting in meditation? ha. It was such a beautiful place and the colors were so vivid that I got out of my car to take a photo. While I was standing there, this woman walked up to talk to me. At first, I thought she was going to get mad at me for taking a photo, but instead she invited me into a building and started telling me things about myself and my life that she couldn't have possibly known. I confirmed that everything she had said was true, and confessed that I have been feeling confused and unfocused about what direction I should go with my life now. I have so many ideas, but I don't know which one is the one to focus on now that everything has changed and I don't know what would make me happiest. She said, "Oh, the answer is so clear. The Green Wagon website. That is what you need to focus on now." (I hadn't mentioned The Green Wagon to her in our conversation.) Then she invited me to come back the next day at 3pm to talk more with her. Odd, huh?

I am not always the best at interpreting dreams, but I think I've got this one. I think it means it is definitely time for me to buckle down and finish the online store and launch that sucker! What does it mean that this is my first dream I can recall being in color? I don't know. That really excites me. Maybe it means I'm waking up in a way? Perhaps it means I just might possibly be on the right track to becoming the best, happiest, most fulfilled version of myself? Now wouldn't that be great!