What I am reading right now...

I enjoyed the Chopra book on Buddha so much that when I saw The Book of Secrets at the used bookstore for a couple of dollars, I had to get it. There is a lot to think about in this book. It isn't a quick read through like Identity was. Here are some things that have really struck me so far:

"To read this sentence, several million neurons in your cerebral cortex had to form an instantaneous pattern that is completely original and never appeared before in your life."

I keep talking about this period of my life being one of transformation or metamorphosis, so this passage made me smile. I have obviously thought about metamorphosis before, but until reading this, I had never really thought about metamorphosis.

"What goes on invisibly inside the chrysalis remains deeply mysterious. The caterpillar's organs and tissues dissolve into an amorphous, souplike state, only to reconstitute into the structure of a butterfly's body that bears no resemblance to a caterpillar at all.

Science has no idea why metamorphosis evolved. It is almost impossible to imagine that insects hit on it by chance--the chemical complexity of turning into a butterfly is incredible; thousands of steps are all minutely interconnected. (It's as if you dropped off a bicycle at the shop to be repaired, and when you came back the parts had become a Gulfstream jet.)"

Horoscope Update

So, it is after midnight. I think I'm officially in the clear of my daily horoscope I posted earlier this morning, which stated that something "stranger than fiction" would happen to me today. I am glad to report that nothing particularly all that strange (this is of course relative to my bizarre life) happened today. Whew.

Saw a link to this song...

this morning on a friend's Facebook page. Made me smile.

Professing my undying love....

So, I put my small chicken coop on Craigslist, since my chickens don't use that one anymore. After a few weeks, I had a very excited guy respond. His kids had just bought some chickens, so he needed something fast. He came out with his kids to see the coop on Monday, and while I was away from my bed for all of 5 minutes, the dogs tipped a glass with a little bit of herbal tea in it over onto my laptop. My computer won't turn on now, and the guy who promised he'd come back with money & a buddy to lift the chicken coop into his truck never showed up.

I tried letting it dry out on its own, but I finally made an appointment at the Genius Bar yesterday. I tried really hard not to freak out about losing data, figuring out how to now scrape up money to buy a new computer, etc until I got some actual information from someone who knew about computers. I handed my laptop over to Josh, the genius behind the bar, and took a deep breath. Josh examined the laptop, and then kindly explained that even though my laptop was closed when the little bit of tea spilled, somehow tea still got all up in the logic board. I don't even know what a logic board is. Maybe logicboard is one word in computer-speak? Whatever it is, it is expensive. Josh explained that this is normally a $750 repair. Apple Care doesn't cover this repair or accidents involving tea and dogs. I almost puked. Then he said, "But I'm in a good mood today, so we're going to do this for free. As a favor. How does that sound?" I almost reached across the Genius Bar to kiss him! They sent it off to get a brand new logic board & I'll have it back in 5 days. I told my friend, Samantha, about this last night at the farm potluck. She said, "Jen, how is it possible that you have the worst luck and the best luck of anyone I know at the same time?" Haha. I never thought of it like that, but I think she's right. Now, if I could only figure out how to cut the sucker-punches out of the equation, and still keep the best luck, I'll be all set!

So, I'm officially professing my undying love for Apple! Love love love love love them. Love my computer and my phone and all of the pretty little gadgets they make that I can't afford...yet. Love love love.

Realization of the Week...

This past weekend, while I was in a feverish state and having odd dreams of blogging about Richard Nixon, I learned that Jonathan's family had all gathered at a resort in Washington State to celebrate his father's birthday. I immediately felt sad. At first I thought I was jealous/angry/bitter, because I would loooove to go on a vacation, but I have to pay the mortgage, pay down debt and keep up with financial responsibilities here. Then I thought maybe I was just envious, because I was throwing up and miserable, and I would have rather been doing pretty much anything else. Those all seemed like explanations that made sense, but they didn't feel accurate to me. I couldn't quite pinpoint exactly what made me sad about it until yesterday.

I was driving to the bank, and suddenly it hit me....I am sad, because I'm not their family anymore. I think that is one of the cruelest things about a divorce. You are not only separating from a significant other, but more than likely, you're losing a whole family in the process. I love Jonathan's father and sister so much, and really felt a part of their family. Now, suddenly, I'm not. I know they are very understanding of what is happening right now, and still care about me, but this weekend was the first time I really had to accept that my relationships with them have also changed.

I think that my father-in-law and I will keep having our wonderful, long phone conversations far into the future. Obviously, I don't expect them to invite me to family gatherings anymore, but with the news that they had all gathered for the first time without me, there was the realization of a disconnect that made me sad. I know that it is just a part of this whole process though, and when these things come up, I try not to think of them as good or bad...just part of this amazing and exciting transformation that is happening to my life right now.

My horoscope for today.....

"The events that occur today could qualify for an episode of "stranger than fiction!" Try to relax. Be patient with whoever crosses your path. Avoid any kind of extreme behavior you may later regret. Be prepared for the unexpected and try not to overreact."

Ohhhhh gosh. How am I supposed to relax after that? I feel like I need to wear a helmet when I leave the house today.

I have been MIA for a few days....

I got horribly sick. I don't know where I picked up this flu bug, but it wiped me out. I had a fever, a sore throat, threw up, fainted....and hallucinated some weird thing about posting pictures of Richard Nixon on this blog?! Seriously. Richard Nixon? I can't say I've put much thought into Richard Nixon...ever. Anyhow, I'm feeling much better now.

I have to admit, I had a pity party or two during my flufest 2011. It is hard to be that sick and live alone. I had some wonderful friends offer to drop food or medicine by the house, but I didn't really want anyone stopping by, because I didn't feel like eating anything or getting out of bed to see anyone. However, I did find myself wishing Jonathan was around to assure me that my fever would eventually break & I was not going to die, to feed the animals, let the dogs out regularly, make me drink water and eat something when I didn't feel like it, etc. Most of the time, I feel very okay with the divorce, but there have been a few moments where I found myself feeling very alone and angry about being alone.

Last night, I pulled myself out of bed and drove downtown to see an old boyfriend play a show. He doesn't live in Nashville, and I only run into him every few years, so I didn't want to skip out on the chance to catch up. Even though I was exhausted, I am so glad I went. I dated him in the early stages of my brainstorming about The Green Wagon, and he knew a lot of the obstacles that I had to push through. I had completely forgotten about that, but he brought it up last night, and in the most sincere tone, told me how proud he was of me for all I have accomplished, but mostly for overcoming those obstacles that he felt would have stopped most people before they ever really got started. I needed to hear that. I think we all need people to remind us every now and then of what we're capable of achieving. I've let myself feel insignificant and directionless and powerless lately (in my professional life), even though I know that I am none of those things. I needed to be reminded of what I am like when I am my most determined and fiercely-focused self.